Dear Smokey,

I run a shitty online magazine that covers bands that no one cares about too much, even the people in the bands themselves. Also, I enlisted the services of this guy who wears sunglasses and other facial coverings such as scarves and bandannas to hide his indentity because he's a leper and no one likes lepers. But enough about that, the point is he's supposed to be the advice columnist, nothing serious, it's really more of a fun project that we thought might make people laugh and also maybe help them out in some sick twisted way. but he's been sitting on the first edition for months now, and I'm starting to feel kinda sad about it. Why doesn't he want to share his wisdom?? Why can't he help me help the world?? Please, if you have any advice to give I'd really appreciate it, seeing as you yourself are an advice columnist and might be able to shed some light on the situation.
--Sam Sinister, New Castle, PA

Your current handling of the situation far exceeds any advice I can give; you have dealt with it quite eloquently. I can't think of any better way to get his lazy slacker ass in gear than to wound his inner child, call him out on his leprosy, and make him relive all of the school bus trauma which caused him to become a self-loathing, alcoholic, wannabe writer/advice columnist to begin with. Also, feel free to publish this letter in the first edition of the column to further shame him and bruise his ever-so-delicate ego. He deserves at least that much, if not more, for leaving you hangin' like that. What a fucking bum!
This is the kick in the ass I needed, Sam. You'll have some more material by the end of today. I am no longer sad and curled up in a ball in the corner, cuddling and rocking myself back and forth.

Dear Smokey,

I got all these little bumps on my shmeck. All signs point to some form of the clap, but 'm a virgin. What's worse is when I jerk off all these bumpy things leak a green puss-like substance and get all over the inside of my tighty-whiteys. Any suggestions?

If I were you, I'd just have the thing amputated get myself a new one. In this day and age of genetic engineering, they can grow you any style of ding-dong you could ever want, right in a petri dish. This will of course be quite costly, so I recommend organizing some benefit gigs to help pay for your new do-funker. Hell, If you do this, I'll even perform at one myself...unmasked! Also, if you would be interested in keeping the remnants of your former member as a souvenir, I know a good taxidermist who could make it into a base mounted trophy or a key chain, depending upon its size.

Dear Smokey,

I'm in a fairly popular punk band in Cleveland, and everyone in the band is best friends, including our robust drummer. However, he recently was "grounded" by his parents (yes, he's only 15) and he can't be in the band for a while. So as a fill in, we got my friend, I'll call "Eric", who happens to be a god on drums. Now we're recording a full length, and Joe can be back in the band soon, and I don't know what the hell to do; kick out the shmuck that we're all best friends with, who loves the band, and keep the new guy who kicks nuts on the skins and also put in all this time and dedication to learn some pretty hard songs, or keep the fat dude who sucks and crush the drum god's dreams (and ours)?

Drum God? I thought you said you were in a punk band. Your attitude sure doesn't sound very punk to me, Mr. Aspiring ROCK STAR!
Let me tell you something, punk is a big fat ugly beast that can barely play its instrument. It's where the rejects, loners, outcasts, the angry and disenfranchised find common ground and do what the fuck it is they want to do without having to worry about any so called "drum gods" being around to fuck it up and contaminate the purest, most true and unadulterated form of expression there ever was. After all, why would a "drum god" want to be in a punk band?
Does this answer your question, or do I need to tell you and your new drummer, Alex Van Halen Jr. to go open for Metallica or Green Day or some shit?

Dear Smokey,

Okay I have a question. Why are there no toothbrush holders that fit the modern toothbrush? How can we all rally together to solve this conundrum? Lets all protest somewhere.

Thank you for bringing this to my attention. It hadn't occured to me there was such a pressing problem in the world. Not having a proper storage device for your toothbrush can lead to serious health problems, but the solution is simple: Design, patent and market one of your own. The problem is then solved, and you just may get rich to boot. Better get started before I beat you to it!

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