As you sit around in the backwoods of Western PA, sometimes you'll think to yourself, "Fuck, I need a drink." And
you're tired of trying to scam some moonshine off Old Man Frazy as he sits on his porch, prepping his blue ticks for a good
ol' fashion 'coon hunt, YEEEEHAA!
So you have to go out. And, if you're any kind of punk, that's where it gets tricky, so here's a guide to the local bar
scene, in Zombieland, Pennsylvania.
"Ya've gut alut a' nerve comin' in har wit thems pants on, boy!"
That's what you'll here when you first enter this fine establishment on a busy night, but as long as you ignore the insults
or laugh at them, you'll get to drink a fair amount of beer, (at $5 a pitcher) and no one is really gonna do shit about your
pants... They're all just a bunch of washed up hicks with no real interest in a fight, despite the local adage of "Fight
Trax." And they have friday night (s)karaoke and two, yes two!, pool tables, with brand new felt!, at 75 cents a game.
RIVER VIEW LOUNGE
This bar is actually in Lowelville, OH, but it's close enough to be considered a ZL bar, and some of the tenders are straight
out of ZL themselves. This is probably the most laxed bar in all the four corners of Zombieland, no one will bother you, most
of the townies will be fascinated by your shiny jacket or your tattoos and you might even get a free beer or two while you're
Domestics are $1.50 a bottle and mixed drinks are $2-$4 so you can get pretty well fucked up on a budget. They have a
few pool tables, but every time I go there's some kind of pool league thing going on, so you won't get to play most of the
TOWN & COUNTRY
Some say this is a good place to drink, and for some they may be right, but the air here is a bit too grating on the nerves
for me. If you can stomach Coors, they have $1 drafts at some point, but if you can't: you're shit out of luck. Every other
domestic is $2.25 or more a bottle, and I don't even want to know how much a shot is. They have one shitty table that runs
$1 a game and the meth heads and old closet fags can really get to be too much after blowing your whole paycheck on twelve
beers or so.
I have little good to say about this place, and a fair amount of bad. I'm sure I'll head up there sooner or later, after
I've forgotten my last miserable experience.
The fourth corner of the Zombieland bar scene.
This place used to be alright, back in the day. It was a kind of rock'n'roll biker hangout when I turned 21, but now it's
under new ownership, and I hear it's riddled with that particular crowd of pseudo fratties that can only exist in a town with
no college. I don't know the prices, and I'm loathe to go there if it is anything like they say. If any one knows more about
this hole in the wall feel free to contribute.
There you have it, all the glory of Zombieland wrapped up in four dive bars. Good luck, and get fucked up, but don't say I
didn't warn you. Oh yeah, and the only music you'll here has a twang in it, so don't hope for much.
--Nov. 30th, 2007