1) Don't Practice!!! (Once or twice a year is fine)
2) If the Police show up at a gig, DON'T PANIC.
3) Dress snappy. No one what to see bands in jeans and t-shirts (boring!).
4) Writing a new song should never take longer than ten minutes... EVER!!!
5) Use lots of duct tape. Fixes everything!!!
6) During a gig, don't be afraid to start a song over if someone new walks in!!
7) Insult the devil worshippers in the crowd. They are stupid and need to be told they are (f'ing a-holes!).
8) Don't walk around the club thinking you are cool because you play in a band, because you're not!!! Unless you are us!!!
9) Don't name your band Led Zeppelin, that's already taken (and they suck)!!
10) If you want to make real money, play all covers.
11) Don't call the clubs asking for gigs, just sit at home and wait to be asked.
12) If a club asks how many people you draw, tell them you don't care.
13) If you want to open for a big band, play in the parking lot.
14) Make fun of all the bands you play with. Because you are better than them.
15) Don't waste you time learning a bunch of chords. You only need to know two or three of them.
16) Don't waste you time making flyers and handing them out. People throw those out anyways!!!
Stick to these RULES!!! You will find great success, and MAYBE you can open up for us one day.
Your Brothers in ROCK,
Uncle Scratch's Gospel Revival